A major cause of marital or relationship discord for most couples, aside from financial difficulties, is lack of sexual intimacy. Though it is often assumed that women and men have different sexual needs and, depending upon one’s gender, require more or less sexual intimacy, research has increasingly shown that both sexes are equally ravenous for between-the-sheets action. The key to ensuring that both partners receive adequate sexual stimulation and release, then, is to determine what triggers the urge in each. For men, the mere thought of sexual contact might be enough to get the juices flowing while, for women, a little more creativity in the lead-up to sex may be required.
RESEARCH HAS INCREASINGLY SHOWN THAT BOTH SEXES ARE EQUALLY RAVENOUS FOR BETWEEN THE SHEETS ACTION.
With the busy lives, most people lead, planning for and initiating sexual contact can become yet another burden to be placed in the ‘too hard’ basket. Add to the effort needed to spark romance the fact that many of us are simply too tired to perform and sex becomes less of a priority and more of an obligation; the decreased confidence in our sexual abilities that may accompany our lethargic state will do little to increase our motivation to please our partner. Indeed, to be supportive sexually we must first feel healthy and physically fit (good news for Status Fitness readers); secondly, considering that much of what we do will ultimately influence the way we feel sexually we must prioritize our health and physical and mental wellbeing until our ability and willingness to ‘get in the mood’ becomes a natural part of our lives. In the following article, I will outline ten sex preparation tips that will help you plan properly to increase the amount and quality of sex you receive.
Stanislas de Longeaux and Erika Strimer – David Ford
Our most important sexual organ
Most of us assume that when seeking sexual satisfaction it is our sexual organs that dictate the amount of stimulation we receive. Though our respective genitalia will largely determine the quality of our sexual experience, multiple processes must first occur before they can perform as nature intended. Without sufficient hormonal activation (to increase sexual desire and prepare our sex organs for action), neurotransmitter activity (to boost ‘feel-good’ chemicals such as serotonin and dopamine), and energy (from stored nutrients and micronutrient co-factors including antioxidants and B vitamins) there will be no sexual performance, period. To enhance the production of all of the above, optimal nutrition and supplementation is a must. Could our most important sex organ be the stomach?
As well as eating specific libido-boosting foods (such as chocolate and caffeine-containing substances, which may promote endorphin release, provide energy and increase physical endurance, raw oysters, which increase testosterone production and sperm count, and eggs, which balance hormone levels and fight stress), to boost sexual prowess be sure to consume a wide range of healthy nutrients and supplements, apportioned over 5-6 small meals per day.
TO BOOST SEXUAL PROWESS BE SURE TO CONSUME A WIDE RANGE OF HEALTHY NUTRIENTS AND SUPPLEMENTS
Mindset change
One major barrier to successful sexual relations is what we consider to be clear cut rules concerning the differing sexual appetites between the sexes. In particular, it is often thought that sexual response, from the perspective of the female sex, involves desire first, then arousal, then orgasm. Because building desire can take much effort and time, men – many of whom are also operating under the misguided assumption that women are less sexually responsive – may fail at the first hurdle. However, it has been shown that, for women, desire can occur at any stage and need not precede arousal. Provided certain conditions are in place and the timing is right, both parties may be fulfilled sexually without first having to cultivate desire. Women, as with men, are, with a little touching in all the right places, equally disposed to becoming immediately aroused. Desire may kick in shortly after to sweeten the deal.
Stanislas de Longeaux and Erika Strimer – David Ford
Communication
Whether explicit sweet nothings, stimulating intellectual conversation or a simple discussion about the day’s events: effective communication between the sexes is a must if sexual relations are to be commenced. Good communication makes us feel appreciated and secure in expressing our thoughts which, in turn, heightens our confidence and enhances the way we feel about ourselves. Good communication also builds trust and respect. Given that sex is as much an emotional exchange as it is a physical act, good sexual relations will inevitably follow the positive feelings one has about oneself and one’s partner. Effective communication underpins such feelings and primes us for satisfying sex.
Timing
One mistake that is made by both sexes is to mistime the initiation of sex. If one partner has had a particularly stressful day, or has received bad news, this is not the time to request from them sexual contact. Instead, we might choose to comfort our loved one and withhold our gratification; by doing so we foster appreciation and respect which is likely to be remembered whenever the prospect of sex is next raised. Having sex when one party is not fully engaged may also promote in this person a resistance to further sexual activates; indeed, a negative sexual experience repeated often enough (even one in which enthusiasm and motivation to engage is low) may condition one to avoid further such contact. To ensure sex is consistently good, and that both parties benefit from it, a couple may set a ‘sex schedule’ which best fits their existing lifestyle (factoring in spontaneous sex when both parties are willing).
HAVING SEX WHEN ONE PARTY IS NOT FULLY ENGAGED MAY ALSO PROMOTE IN THIS PERSON A RESISTANCE TO FURTHER SEXUAL ACTIVATES
Make eye contact
By making eye contact, both during sex and in the course of daily life, we send a powerful signal to our partner: we tell them that all of our attention is on them. Such undivided attention builds a stronger sexual and emotional bond. Through eye contact, trust is established and the closest of connections can be made. Routine sex might be best characterized by a lack of eye contact and disinterest, which is also reflected in the facial expression of one’s partner. Great sex, on the other hand, requires a synchronicity of mind and body for which eye contact serves as a gateway to a well-connected sex life.
Touch
By caressing, massaging and stroking our special other we promote the release of oxytocin, a hormone intimately involved in sexual reproduction, bonding, social recognition, and orgasm. Often called the ‘love hormone’, oxytocin, when released through touch, stimulates sexual desire and brings couples closer together. Regular touching between partners may also create sexual tension and a longing for one another. To ensure your next sexual encounter is an explosive one for you and your partner, periodically touch one another in a variety of ways while delaying sex (and thus building desire).
OFTEN CALLED THE ‘LOVE HORMONE’, OXYTOCIN, WHEN RELEASED THROUGH TOUCH, STIMULATES SEXUAL DESIRE AND BRINGS COUPLES CLOSER TOGETHER
Avoid drugs
Certain recreational drugs (including cannabis, though illegal, and alcohol) have been used by many as aphrodisiacs to heighten sexual pleasure. But are such substances really as effective as many think they are? As a central nervous system depressant, alcohol may lower sexual performance anxiety and remove inhibitions, but it may also decrease blood circulation, muscular endurance and the emotional connection we have with our partner. Alcohol may also deplete testosterone reserves while larger amounts can promote extreme lethargy and even impotence. Other recreational drugs (both legal and illegal) can be used to promote sensitivity to sexual contact but may also remove any pure enjoyment we may experience in the moment. Great sex is created when both partners are fully attuned to the desires and feelings of the other; when an unbroken emotional connection is able to endure from the first kiss through to orgasm. Drugs, in their various guises, may distort reality to where we are unable to establish and maintain such a connection.
Experiment
By acquiring sexual preferences which work time and again we are, for the most part, guaranteed sexual satisfaction. However, the same sex session repeated often enough may eventually cause us to disengage from our lovemaking, both emotionally and physically. To ensure our sex life remains exciting and that our anticipation for any ensuing sexual contact is to be savored we must, from time to time, experiment. Positions other than the missionary, new ways of provoking sexual stimulation, environments separate from the marital bed, sexual aids and literature, and extended foreplay can all be used to heighten the sexual experience. Try planning your next sex session with any, or all, of the above in mind and fireworks are likely to ensue.
Dare to be different
Just as experimenting in the bedroom (or whichever environment turns you on most) is a necessary ingredient for a long and successful sex life, so too are the ways we cultivate the desire that is important for building sexual longing and arousal. Rather than mentally mapping out exactly how we expect our sex sessions to unfold or engaging the same pre-sex rituals each time, try something new. Avoid getting into a pattern; rather, be more adventurous. Enjoy a romantic dinner followed by sex at a nearby hotel; travel to distant location; pretend you are on a first date; go horseback riding. Any unique experience in the lead-up to sex may charge the senses, build excitement, and promote a longing in one another that may manifest in an intense sexual encounter. As with any activity, the more routine it becomes, the more boring it often is. By changing your environment and the activities engaged in prior to sex, we change our mindset to one of experimentation. Great sex will inevitably result from here.
AVOID GETTING INTO A PATTERN; RATHER, BE MORE ADVENTUROUS.
An attitude for action
Becoming a more positive person who is adept at stress minimization is probably the most important step toward building the desire for and motivation to engage in sexual activities. People who have a positive outlook on life are generally more creative and flexible; such individuals focus on the possible rather than what is assumed impossible. Positive people are also goal oriented: they have decided what they want and determined the means with which to attain it. By combining creativity, flexibility, and an ability to identify goals and how best to achieve them, we become more receptive to exploring our sexuality and fostering healthy sexual relations. People with low self confidence and a pessimistic approach to life tend not to plan, create, and explore. They are too concerned with all that is wrong in their lives, and their downcast demeanor is unlikely to attract positive partners with which to become sexually active.
WHENEVER WE ATTRACT STRESS INTO OUR LIVES, WE ARE SIDETRACKED (AT LEAST MOMENTARILY) FROM ALL THAT IS GOOD.
By becoming more positively focused, we see the good in others and the possibilities inherent in the activities we pursue. We are also better able to minimize life stress. Whenever we attract stress into our lives, we are sidetracked (at least momentarily) from all that is good. Stress (due to the draining effect it can have and the cortisol it releases into our system) also promotes physical weakness. Such distractibility and lethargy may cause us to avoid sex as our thoughts are preoccupied and we simply do not have the energy to perform. By eliminating stress from our lives (through exercise, healthy eating, taking nutritional supplements, and meaningful work, among other activities) and cultivating a positive outlook we are more likely to seek, and attract, sensual experiences.
Great sex, guaranteed
By prioritizing elements which promote, and sustain, healthy sexual relationships we can enjoy satisfying sex lives. As humans, we are designed to express our sexuality and without an outlet for doing so may become irritable, frustrated, and unwell; indeed, regular sex boosts our immune system, circulates positive brain chemicals, and promotes an optimal hormone balance, states which also promote the mental, emotional and physical attributes needed to enjoy regular sex. By following the pre-sex tips outlined above it is guaranteed that you will enhance your sex life, and, by association, your health and wellness. It’s time to get busy.
References
Basson, R. The Female Sexual Response: A Different Model. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Volume 26, Issue 1, 2000
